帮助外国留学生适应中国的英语作文(避中文式思维 免模板削足适履写英语 提倡英语思维寻因找果写优英语)

避中文式思维 免模板削足适履写英语 提倡英语思维寻因找果写优英语

文/刘宝彩/天津

网友提问：可以帮看看英语作文25分满分能拿多少？题目要求是给汤姆写一封信，关于你最近做的一个决定，为什么作出这个决定？你是怎么付出行动的？

这位网友写的英语作文原文如下：

Dear Tom,

How is everything going?

Recently, I made an important decision that I will try to give up my smartphone.

At present, it is a universally believed that smartphones are convenient for people. However, for me, a high school student, who is studying for a bright life, it is harmful. It waste my time, and it lets my eyes become bad. So I must give it up now. I keep myself from it. I don’t use it anymore. I try my best to let it get out of my lives. Nowadays, it is a little unconvenient for me, but I think my life is more colorful and richer.

Generally speaking, the decision is tough but right. I will never fall by the wayside.

All the best !

Yours

Li Hua

根据英语写作原理：避中文式思维；免模板削足适履写英语；提倡英语思维寻因找果写作优秀英语的规定，对网友所写英语作文的原文，及写作三点提示（1. 你作出放弃手机的这个决定；2. 为什么作出这个决定或其理由；3. 你是怎么付出行动的），向网友提出八点看法如下：

1.最重要一点内容必须要写：为了考一所好大学（理由或原因，即为什么），我必须要抓紧时间学习和复习课程（主题/观点），所以不玩手机或放弃使用手机（主题/观点的结果，即做出的一个决定）。（I find it necessary for me to get ready for university entrance examination (U.E.E.) by acquiring too much knowledge about lessons honestly to give up the use of my smartphone at present.）

2.此句话“it is a universally believed that smartphones are convenient for people.”不是放弃手机的理由，即“为什么放弃手机”的理由，故此建议删除。

3. for me, a high school student, who is studying for a bright life, it is harmful. 此句属于“头重脚轻”，也不是放弃手机的理由，即“为什么放放弃手机”的理由；“studying”与“ for a bright life”思维逻辑不对，故建议删除。

4.此句It waste my time, and it lets my eyes become bad.是放弃手机的理由，可以保留。

5.“I must give it up now. I keep myself from it. I don’t use it anymore. I try my best to let it get out of my lives”这四句话的主语都是“I…I…I…I…而且四句各自内容都是同一个意思，所以重复了，需要四选一为好。

6. it is a little unconvenient for me，此句不妥，正确的应为it is a little inconvenient for/to me但是与“你是怎么付出行动的？”的要求无关该略。

7. my life is more colorful and richer, 可能是用翻译机器翻译的，但是与“你是怎么付出行动的？”的要求无关。

8. I will never fall by the wayside？此句请说明是啥意思？如用机器翻译的，是“半途而废”之意吗？如若此，那么应该表达为：“我不能因玩手机而耽误学习，（结果）让学习半途而废。（I will never take my lessons until at later time in which to concentrate more on smartphone, without giving up halfway. ）”，而不应该表达为：“我将从来不半途而废。”后者是病句

以上2、3、6、7句，依据“英语写作原理：避中文式思维；免模板削足适履写英语；提倡英语思维寻因找果写作优秀英语”之规定，是无效句。所以整理以上八点内容后保留有效句子成文如下：

Dear Tom,

How is everything going?

Recently, I find it necessary for me to get ready for university entrance examination (U.E.E.) by acquiring too much knowledge about lessons honestly to give up the use of my smartphone at present. This helps me make an important decision on trying to give up my smartphone. It waste my time, and it lets my eyes become bad. So I try my best to let it get out of my lives. I will never take my lessons until at later time in which to concentrate more on smartphone, without giving up halfway.

All the best !

Yours

Li Hua

这些有效句就回答了“为什么作出不玩手机的这个决定？”。而原文英语写作对于“你不玩手是怎么付出行动的”没有具体说明，例如：把不玩手机的时间，用于向老师提出问题及与同班同学讨论文化课程问题，以及在家里让家长把手机放进他们的柜子或抽屉锁好保存等，这些均未提及。

当然，还有别的思维的所举例子，那就在于学生自己去思考了？

所以只有把三个要点（1我决定不玩手机了；2为什么作出不玩手机的这个决定？3你不玩手机是怎么付出行动的）阐述清楚了。这篇作文才能接近满分或高分。当然这个三要点之间必需要有逻辑思维连接词、语或句，才能达到真正地在内容和形式上完全地表达正确无误之要求。

根据这个要求或者说为了满足这个要求，为学生写出英语作文如下：

Dear Tom,

Being your friend as one of high-school students, I write you a letter telling you about an important decision I made on giving up the use of my smartphone at present.

Thinking about this, you are likely to find it necessary for me to get ready for university entrance examination (U.E.E.) by acquiring too much knowledge about lessons honestly.

Smartphone is expected to be without the influence on me, that helps save so much time for me to work hard at studying lessons, on which to bring me to focus automatically in U.E.E., not always in pleasure or relaxation.

Without making me uneasy about neither reading some message nor receiving news by watching videos，all，from my smartphone in the beginning, I am always asking my teachers for questions about such lessons as Math, Chemistry or English, etc. and discussing them with my classmates.

Combining with this, at home, I have my smartphone kept in their closet or drawer which my parents are enabled to put in key, according to their views.

The above encourages me to achieve a well-ideal goal successfully of being one of university students days to come surely.

All the best !

Yours

Li Hua

对网友写出英语作文，在思维逻辑方面提出建议：对英语写作的主题/观点（放弃玩手机），要思考透彻其原因和结果。具体说：思考主题/观点形成的原因，要分析什么原因导致这个主题/观点出现的？通过一层一层地递进推理，这一段落内容就有说服力，当然，还可以写出不同思维内容的段落，因为人与人思维角度是不同的，而具体写作操作。

总结：

写英语作文的思路是——根据主题，由四个部分构成：1说出主题；2主题产生的原因；3主题产生的结果；4达到这种结果应该采取什么措施，这四个问题阐述清楚了，就OK了。

其表达形式是“2原因←1主题→3结果→4措施”按照这种逻辑单句构成的方法，其中通过必需要加上逻辑思维连接词、语或句，把逻辑单句连接起来而写出许多英语逻辑组句就形成了英语作文的段落或由段落组成的一篇英语作文的全部内容了。

思考和分析题目/观点之原因和结果，便触及“本质”问题便陈述到位，文章就有广度和深度了。

而不是适应模板“削足适履”写英语，例如，与“放弃手机的理由无关”的内容（it is a universally believed that smartphones are convenient for people.）不应写进，及与“你是怎么付出行动的？”的要求无关的（I think my life is more colorful and richer）不写。供参考，可私聊我。